Whew chile! What a year! We started it with the most ridiculous of government shutdowns and are ending it with Trump’s impeachment. Everybody and they momma decided to run for president and, quite frankly, an old smelly shoe would be a better option than the current Cheeto in Charge. People who were introduced to politics with Barack Obama’s presidency made it painfully obvious that they don’t know just how shitty politics are. We’ve always had to choose the candidate who we think will fuck us over the least. Opting out only fucks us over more so there’s really no room for cancel culture where presidential elections are concerned… that’s how we end up with another four years of Trump. But I digress…

2019 also placed black women at the top. For the first time ever, Miss USA, Miss Teen USA, Miss America, Miss Universe, and Miss World are all black women. Every. Last. One. Ashies and racists are stewing, for sure.

Anyway, here’s a month-by-month recap of some of the year’s highlights…

Mass Shootings: 409 | Celebrity Deaths: 260

January

As I said earlier, we started the year ten days in to a seemingly never ending government shutdown. The purpose, absurdly, was to secure funds in the most juvenile way possible for a border wall that still has yet to show any significant progress. SMH

The documentary Surviving R Kelly hit Netflix this month and showed us all what we knew already – he is a creepy ass creep and been needed to be stopped.

News that actor, Jussie Smollett was attacked in the middle of the night in Chicago drew immediate controversy because they story didn’t make sense… there was much bickering over the veracity on social media.

Mass shootings: 28 | Celebrity Deaths: 37

Notable Deaths:

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February

In this month, we learned that 21 Savage is actually an immigrant from the UK who overstayed his Visa. We know because ICE caught up to his ass and got locked up. Unlike the two million children in detention centers, he was at least able to get bonded out. Who knows how this will pan out for him.

That Surviving R Kelly documentary started some shit because he finally got charged on ten counts of aggravated criminal sexual abuse. He’s still in jail now, where he belongs.

After 35 long days, the government shutdown, which was basically a hostage situation, finally ended and Trump didn’t get the full ransom he was asking for. What a waste of skin and taxpayer money.

Turns out Jussie Smollett was lying his ass off and none of it makes sense… but I’m staying out of it.

Mass shootings: 22 | Celebrity Deaths: 34

Notable Deaths:

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March

Democrats finally launched an investigation into Donald Trump’s 2016 election tampering corruption. The results are in what is now known as the Mueller Report, which ultimately gathered enough evidence to throw some people around Trump in jail, but not enough to actually charge him with anything.

Kylie Jenner became the world’s youngest-ever billionaire, which would’ve been fine if Forbes didn’t also call her “Self-Made.” Like… do you even know what that term means? Because I’m not sure you do.

Alex Trebek announced to the world that he has been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I love Jeopardy and this really sucks but I can’t help but to wonder why he hasn’t turned his future successor into a contest of some sort. But I guess I could understand why he wouldn’t. My vote for the next host is definitely Mark McGrath.

The heat finally came down on the rich white folks as dozens were charged in a college admissions scandal, including celebrities Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman. I mean… I grew up in New Canaan, CT… I could’ve told them this.

Mass shootings: 21 | Celebrity Deaths: 26

Notable Deaths:

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April

The measles comeback became even more alarming as cases jumped 300% in the first three months of the year. States of emergency were declared in Brooklyn and other places… but you know, death is better than autism, right? *eyeroll*

Notre Dame Cathedral caught on fire for reasons unknown. White people everywhere were devastated as the rest of us shrugged our shoulders and went about our business.

Beyoncé snatched our edges again by dropping the “Homecoming” documentary on Netflix, which is a live taping of her 2018 Coachella performance. She also accompanied it with a live album of the same show. She needs to warn us about these things, man. I had to add biotin to my daily supplements.

Mass shootings: 34 | Celebrity Deaths: 22

Notable Deaths:

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May

William Barr sliced, diced, and reinterpreted the results of the Mueller report and Nancy Pelosi called him out on it, accusing him of lying. At the end of the day, there still wasn’t enough substance to get rid of Trump – although a few folks did go to prison.

Facebook finally started putting the smackdown on fake news sources and hate groups. In doing so, he banned Alex Jones, Milo Yiannopoulos, and Louis Farrakhan (which I disagree with but w/e. They had to throw the sensitive white folks a bone I guess).

The US has the lowest birth rates in decades, making white nationalists nervous af as this interferes with their ethnostate goals. Coincidentally, aggressive anti-abortion laws were passed in several states. I’m sure the two aren’t related because that would mean there are enough white supremacists in power to get laws passed. Haha! Just a coincidence.

Mass shootings: 43 | Celebrity Deaths: 20

Notable Deaths:

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June

James Holzhauer ended a 32-day winning streak on Jeopardy. This makes him second of all time in number of consecutive games won, second highest in overall winnings, highest in single-game winnings, and third highest in all-time winnings. It may have gotten boring to watch him slaughter his opponents day after day, but it was also amazing to see. I’m still holding strong to my theory that he was just over it and threw his last game.

Sarah Sanders finally gave up trying to spin Trump’s lies, controversy, and general fuckshit and quit her job as Press Secretary. I don’t blame her… but then, I never would’ve taken that job in the first place so still… fuck her.

Mass shootings: 48 | Celebrity Deaths: 16

Notable Deaths:

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July

It was hot as hell this month. Not normal, July hot… but the world’s hottest month ever recorded. Temperatures were abnormally high everywhere. Alaska hit 90°F, Germany got as hot as 108.6°F, and the Netherlands got as hot as 105.2°F. But global warming isn’t a thing so fret not!

Jeffrey Epstein was indicted on sex trafficking and conspiracy charges alleging that he had sex with dozens of underge girls as young as 14 years old. This also implicated a bunch of other high profile nasty old white men, including Donald Trump and Bill Clinton.

Robert Mueller clarified to the Senate earlier claims that his report exonerated Donald Trump saying, basically, no the fuck it did not. And he made it clear that Russia interfered with our election. But we knew that already because they openly bragged about it the day after the election. Whatever.

Mass shootings: 52 | Celebrity Deaths: 18

Notable Deaths:

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August

We started the month with two goddamn mass shootings in one day. Some asshole rolled up into a Walmart in El Paso, TX, shot 22 people to death. Not a full 24 hours later, in Dayton, OH, some other asshole opened fire into a barhopping crowd. He shot nine people to death and killed himself. Here’s to hoping 2020 will be honest about this country’s biggest threat: white guys.

Nearly 800 former Boy Scouts come forward to expose the obvious pedophile ring that the organization has been for decades. They identified 350 abusers who were troop leaders, teachers, police officers, and a host of other nasty motherfuckers. None of them have ever even been disciplined because the Boy Scouts of America was bigger on covering up scandals rather than protecting children.

After months of speculation about young people developing a mysterious respiratory illness tied to vaping, Illinois has reported its first death. This sparked nationwide panic and some fear-mongering due to officials not knowing the specific cause.

Mass shootings: 49 | Celebrity Deaths: 18

Notable Deaths:

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September

Hurricane Dorian, the most intense tropical storm to ever hit the Bahamas came through and killed over 70 people but so many are recorded as missing that we don’t know the true death toll. The most devastating hurricanes almost always hit somewhere between the last week of August and the first week of September. I would never recommend planning a vacation to anywhere in the caribbean during that time.

In probably the most hilarious news of the year, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey managed to get his account hacked and I’m honestly somewhat in awe of whoever did it. I know. I shouldn’t be.

Felicity Huffman was sentenced to 14 days in prison for her involvement in the college admissions scandal. Must be nice to be able to use privilege to get you out of the trouble that your privilege got you into.

Mass shootings: 37 | Celebrity Deaths: 22

Notable Deaths:

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October

Bernie Sanders old ass had a heart attack… but he’s still kicking and still running for president. I don’t think he’s going to get the nom, fam. Bernie Bros will still complain it was rigged.

Florida passed a law allowing teachers to carry guns in schools because what better way to stop school shootings than to ensure that there’s a gun around for young Kyle to pick up. Of course it would be Florida. We should’ve let them secede when we had the chance.

Mass shootings: 36 | Celebrity Deaths: 24

Notable Deaths:

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November

Oklahoma freed 462 non-violent inmates in the largest mass commutation in US history. Now what about the states that have legalized marijuana?

A new field containing approximately 53 million barrels of oil has been found in Iran. If I know American politics well enough, I have a feeling they are going to suddenly find a terrorist cell somewhere near there.

As if we needed another streaming service to have to pay for, Disney launched it’s streaming platform. We’re so excited to pay new money for a bunch of old shit we’ve already seen. Maybe it will get better later.

Taylor Swift wins Artist of the Decade award at the AMAs. I mean, honestly, she deserves it. It was a lot of hard work jacking Beyonce’s wardrobe, moves, and production only to sing half as good belting out those bemayonnaised tunes. #shecouldnever

Mass shootings: 29 | Celebrity Deaths: 8

Notable Deaths:

Shockingly, the Good Lord™ gave us a break as there were no celebrity deaths worth mentioning.

December

Greta Thunberg, the child climate activist has been named Person of the Year by Time magazine. Not for nothing, she’s literally being celebrated because she is white. Ever heard of Isra Hirsi or Feliquan Charlemagne? What about Karla Stephan, Anya Sastry, or Nadia Nazar? No? Exactly.

The Space Force is officially a thing. We literally have a branch of the military dedicated to space warfare and it’s expected to cost $2 billion in its first five years. Please can we get off the crazy train now?

Mass shootings: 10 | Celebrity Deaths: 15

Notable Deaths:

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Conclusion

This year has literally been a wild ride. I don’t even think I included all of the protests around the world, the burning down of half the goddamn rain forest, and the year-long Brexit saga that still has yet to end. I’m hoping that our 2020 will see the election of a president with some goddamn sense so we can begin to repair the damage that the current administration has done.

Happy New Year!