If you’re not upper-middle class, chances are you have a normal kitchen that turns into a struggle kitchen as soon as the holidays roll around… meaning, you only have one oven to cook a shitload of food in! It doesn’t help that you have to wake up in the middle of the fucking night to put your turkey in the oven, then run back every 1/2 hour to baste that bitch… only to still end up with a dry ass no flavor bird that you have to drown in gravy to even make it edible. Okay maybe it’s not THAT dramatic, but still. If I had to go through all of that to cook a bird, I’d NEVER bother with these damn holidays! So I’m going to share with you my turkey hack – a two hour turkey. YES. A TWO HOUR TURKEY! No, it doesn’t matter how many pounds it is. It still takes two hours! Here’s the recipe:
First of all, you’re going to need lots of aluminum foil and one of these:
If you bougie or greedy, you can get something bigger or shinier. The most important part is that it has a working lid. If you try to use this dollar store bullshit, below, don’t come crying to me when your bird is ashy and bloody!
Anyway, let’s get to the recipe.
Ingredients:
1 turkey (any size)
1/2 cup cooking oil or a stick of softened butter
2 cloves garlic
1/2 onion, cut in half
Seasoning (I use salt, pepper, and herbs de provence)
Directions:
- Take everything out of the bird (neck, gizzards, etc). Even the little plastic indicator. We don’t need that shit.
- Preheat oven to 450°F.
- Pour the oil (or butter) on top of the bird and give it a good full-body massage – yes, like you’re a masseuse! This is going to loosen it up so the meat is more tender and juicy.
- Add seasonings and rub them in everywhere
- Take the cloves of garlic and shove one just under the skin of each breast
- Take the onion halves and place one inside each wing
- Cover the entire bird with aluminum foil, then cover the entire roasting pan with aluminum foil leaving no holes or openings.
- Place the lid on it securely and bake for two hours.
DO NOT put anything else in the oven with it!
DO NOT fill this bird with your soggy ass stuffing!
DO NOT check on it periodically or baste it!
DO NOT open the oven for any reason!
DO NOT try to brown it afterwards!
If you violate any of the shit I told you NOT to do, you’re gonna fuck up the recipe and it’s gonna be your fault, not mine. Pay attention, do it right! It’s not going to look at all like Martha Stewart cooked that shit but it’s gonna be juicy and delicious so who cares!
Enjoy!